There are two types of Marriages that takes place in Nigeria and they are:
1. Traditional Marriage
2. Church Marriage (Wedding)
Traditional Marriage
The Traditional Marriage is a marriage conducted according to the Native Law and Customs of the people of Nigeria. It is recognized by the people, the government, all and sundry as the Real Marriage.
Church Marriage (Wedding or Holy Matrimony)
This is another type of marriage that exist in Nigeria called the Church Marriage, Wedding or Holy Matrimony. This is conducted according to the rules and regulations of the different Churches. As a matter of fact, there is no standard way of conducting this marriage. Each Church does it the way they like.
In Nigeria if a couple goes directly to marry in the Church, that marriage is not recognized by their families, friends and in fact by the people in general, if they do not pass through the Traditional Marriage Rites of their ethnic group first. The Clergies themselves will not conduct a marriage in Nigeria, which has not first been conducted according to the Traditional Marriage Rites of the couple. A marriage rule in the Churches requires that the couple or couples pass through the Traditional Marriage Rites first before coming to the Church otherwise the marriage will not be conducted
So the very big question for which an answer is yet to be provided, is why do the Clergies have to conduct another round of marriage in the Church, when a marriage has already been conducted, a marriage which they also accept?
For a girl or woman to say she is married in Nigeria, the parents of the girl must hand her over to the parents of the husband who will in turn hand her over to her husband. After the said husband and his family would have performed the necessary traditional marriage rites, as required by the custom of the wife’s family or ethnic group she belongs to, in a Marriage Ceremony.
Whether it is in the North, South, East or Western region of Nigeria, every ethnic group in Nigeria carries out a Traditional Marriage Ceremony. The method only differs slightly from an ethnic group to another and from family to family within an ethnic group.
Some family in an ethnic group, may require the husband to carry out the rites to the latter, while others may wave some of the rites that they feel are not too important to be performed by the man. A family who waves some unimportant rights, gladding the heart of their in-laws.
Irrespective of the ethnic differences, the following rites are constituent part of the Traditional Marriage Rites in Nigeria:
INTRODUCTION
The would be husband must introduce himself and his family to the parents and family of his wife to be at an agreed date in the wife’s family house. It is in this very important ceremony he openly declares his intension to marry their daughter.
The girl is called by her parents or the family to confirm the statement of the man. Once the statement is confirmed by the girl, the girl’s family has no further say than to accept the man, after some questions and answers session with the girl in the presence of all.
DATE/LIST OF MARRIAGE ITEMS
On the day of the introduction, the date for the marriage proposed by the husband to be. After some deliberations, an accepted date is reached by both families. On the same day, a list of items to be bought and brought to the girl’s family before the day of the marriage is given to the man. The items differ from ethnic group to ethnic group.
Basic among these items are:
1. Walking stick, Cap and Cloths for the Father of the girl
2. Cloth for the Mother of the girl
3. Some tubers of Yam
4. One or two bags of Salt
5. A she goat
6. Some bottles of Palm Oil
7. Hot Drinks
8 A Suitcase for the wife to be
These items, which could be more than the above list are bought and delivered to the family of girl before the day of the marriage. By doing this, the husband to be has proved to the girl’s family that he can take care of the wife.
3. PAYMENT OF THE BRIDE PRICE (THE DOWRY)
The payment of the dowry or bride price is a very significant rite to be performed by the man. It is paid on the day of the marriage. This aspect of the traditional marriage is what makes the women to be called a wife.
A woman whose dowry has not been paid, even if she is married in the Church, she is seen by the family of the man as a GIRL FRIEND to the man, even if she has given birth of a dozen children to the man and are living together, she is not his wife. As a matter of fact in some important family occasion where wives in the family are gathered, her presence may not be welcome, since she is not a wife in the family.
The amount of the bride price being paid by the man is small, and the amount differs from one ethnic group to another. In some ethnic group, it could be as small as 60 Naira but the amount is very very significant. In fact no girl or woman can be said to be married in Nigeria, if a bride price is not paid on her.
Nigerian culture does not permit couples to stay together without the traditional marriage being performed. If they do, that kind of marriage is illegitimate. Parents are no always happy with such can of association because it does not bring respect to the girl and the man, the children produce from such association and the family as a whole. If problems arises from such an association parents most often do not intervene.
THE TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE
The marriage is conducted in the family house of the girl. On the day of the marriage, friends, invitees, well-wishers and the parents of the man will all gather at the family compound of girl to perform the ceremony. What happens here on that day differs from ethnic group to ethnic. But generally, the following must take place.
1. Entertainment
As soon as the man and his entourage arrives the house of the girl, they are welcomed by the family of the girl and are entertained as visitors. A spokesman of the family of the girl does the presentation of drinks, cola-nuts and money if included to the visitors. The spokesman of the man, who wants to marry, receives the items presented on behalf of the man and his family and entertainment starts.
While the family of the man are busy entraining themselves, the family of the girl puts on as look or behave as if they are not aware of the intention of their visitors. A lot of people see this behavior as part of the tradition. But I think it is because the family of the girl cannot be to sure that the man has not changed his mind not to marry the girl and would have come to say just that. So they keep their cool until the spokesman of the man’s family re-introduces or re-presents the issue.
2. Presentation of the Issue
With a signal from an elderly man from the man’s family, their spokesman clears the table of any drink, and then place on the table a bottle of a hot drink, wine and money in a plate were necessary. All this are placed on the table.
The spokesman of the man’s family then calls for the attention of the woman’s family to the content of the table, and on behalf of the family of the man, he tells them that they have come for a purpose and that the visit is not just an ordinary visit. That they saw something good in the family that attracted them as they were passing by and that is what they have come to take away. He stops there.
(a) Response from the Family of the Bride’s
In response, the spokesman on behalf of the family of the bride, probes further. At the end of the day, the cat is lead out of the bag. The spokesman of the groom tells the spokesman of the bride that we have come to marry in this house.
(b) Parading of different brides before the Groom
On hearing that, the matter does not end there and the bride is bought out. The spokesman of the bride’s family further enquires from the groom’s family if they are sure the bride they are looking for is in this family. And the response is always yes from the spokesman of the groom.
With the response in affirmative, the stage is set to parade the different bride’s in the family before the groom, who is expected to identify the bride he wants to marry before the audience. Some times old ladies are paraded among the girls.
The girls are parades veiled and the groom must pay money for each girl to be paraded before him and pay to unveil each girl, if cannot tell his bride without unveiling. Several girls are paraded before him until he is able to tell his bride.
This is another very important aspect of traditional marriage in Nigeria, as the groom in the presence of everybody tells who his bride is. And therefore can not say she was imposed on him.
In some other culture in Nigeria, the girl will go looking for the husband in the crowd with a glass of wine. Who ever she gives the glass of wine to is her husband.
The bottom line is that one must have to identify the other in the presence of an audience.
(c) Acceptance by the Bride
As soon as the bride is identified, by the groom, the bride is made to stand before the family to answer the big question. She is shown the drinks and cola-nuts presented by the groom and his family and she is told they have come to marry you and therefore what is your response. As expected the response is in the affirmative.
As soon as the bride answers yes, every body present is happy, and the husband to be moves forward and sprays her with money. That is notes of Naira, Pounds, or Dollars are poured on her body.
(Although this practice is outlaw by the country, it has been practiced for a very long time by the people. So it is like a custom, as it is still been practiced even by the law makers themselves, in their family ceremonies.) It is away to show off money.
(d) Acceptance of the Drink presented to the Bride’s Family by the Groom.
While every one is jubilating, the drinks and cola-nuts presented to the bride’s family by the groom, when the issue was presented can now be taken freely since they have been assured by the girl that they go ahead and drink and that they would not be asked to pay back
3. PAYMENT OF THE DOWRY (BRIDE PRICE)
While the jubilation is going on, the groom is called by the bride’s family to pay the dowry through their spokesman. No amount is given to them. The groom places on the table an amount in a white plate. Some family could demand that more money be placed in the plate, sometimes in several thousands of Naira. After that is done they may ask for more. It gets to a point, when the groom refuses to add more money to the plate.
At this point, the family of the bride will ask the groom if that was all he can pay as dowry and if he is sure he has enough money to take care of their daughter. He answers yes.
The family of the brides then removes from the plate, the amount allowed by tradition for dowry. The remaining money is returned back to the groom. For example if the money initially paid was 10,000 Naira, they may collect only 60 Naira as dowry and return 9, 940 Naira back to the groom.
The money is returned with the following statements: “Young man we are not here to sell our daughter. Take this money and add it to what would be used to take care of our daughter. Know that you cannot pay the entire dowry in the day. You will continue to pay as the marriage progresses.”
This gesture generates jubilation and the family of the groom all kneel down to thank the family of the bride.
The last statement “You will continue to pay as the marriage progresses”, may sound senseless But hidden in this statement is the fact that as long as the man is married to their daughter, he would be called at any point in time to contribute financially or otherwise to the welfare of his in-laws. This he should be ready to do naturally by being a son in-law of the family. The wife’s pressure on him to help the family is all part of the one statement.
You see in Nigeria, we are our brother’s keeper we enjoy taking care of our extended family, as they are also ready to help in case of trouble.
The purpose for asking for more money is to know if the groom has the attitude of giving and has the capacity to take care of his bride. The returning of part of the dowry paid shows that they are not selling their daughter and they do not lack also.
4. BINDING OF THE HUSBAND AND WIFE
Once the dowry has been paid, the next thing is to bind the bride and the groom together as one This is the mean aspect of the traditional marriage that must be performed. As a matter of facts this is the marriage itself. This aspect is done by the most elderly man of the bride’s family present in the marriage ceremony. It can be done by the grand father of the girl, her uncle if the grand father is not alive or the father of the girl, if he is the most senior family member present.
God gave the people power through their tradition do bind together their sons and daughter to be come husbands and wives. Therefore what God has put together, through the parents, let no man put asunder or re-bind together or re marry. God is not a God of confusion.
This aspect of the ceremony requires four items: Honey, Sugar, Salt and Palm Wine. The items could differ between ethnic groups. But some thing is used for the binding together. Small quantity of honey, sugar and salt are mixed together in a small white plate which is placed on the table with a small spoon and a glass of palm wine, mineral or fruit wine.
The Binding Together
The bride and the groom are requested to kneel down in front of the elderly man who wants to pray and bind them, near the table where the items are. This they do. While on their kneels, the elderly man picks the white plate containing the mixed items and prays for the success of the marriage and blessings that follows marriage which is child bearing. That the marriage will be as sweet as the honey, sugar and salt. After the prayer, he hands over the plate and the spoon to the girl, who then gives some quantity to the husband to lick. She then hand over the plate and the spoon to her husband who then give some quantity to lick also. The plate is then placed back on the table.
The palm is prayed upon by the old man and after that the glass is handed over to the girl again. The girl gives the glass to the husband to drink first this time. The husband drinks almost half of the quantity and leave remaining portion for her to drink. At this point the father and mother of the bride pray for both of them for the success of the marriage. .
5. HANDING OVER OF THE BRIDE TO THE GROOMS FAMILY
After the binding ceremony, the groom goes back to seat with his family, while the girl goes to Seat On Her Father’s Leg. She does not just join the husband. She must be properly handed over to the father of the husband.
According to the Nigerian culture, it is the father of the groom who is marring for his son and not the son himself. Therefore the girl is handed over to the father of the groom and not to the groom directly.
While the father of the groom is seated, the same old man who did the binding, will walk to the father of the girl where the girl is seating and take her to the father of the groom. He sits her on the legs of the father of the groom telling him to take care of the girl, which he agrees to do. This raises an ovation all over the place. In the presence of every body, the father then hands over the girl to the son, making her to sit on the son’s legs.
With this last stage of the ceremony performed, they are pronounced husband and wife. They can now hug and kiss each other in the presence of the public. From now on they are regarded and respected in the family and in the society as a whole. As soon as the bride is handed over to the groom, that is the end of the ceremony inside the house. They are now ready to be received outside by a large audience made up of friends, family members, well-wishers, etc.
6. RECEPTION PARTY
This is always a must after the marriage ceremony. Because this is where the whole world see and know they are now married. During the marriage ceremony, only few family members and friends participate inside the house.
The others are waiting out side a well prepared reception ground in the compound of the bride, to receive them. With families that have, the reception is always a very big show, with a life band stand and plenty to eat and drink.
MOVING INTO THE RECEPTION GROUND
The newly married don’t just walk into the reception ground. They are escorted out in a style with family members dancing behind them as they also dance to take their seat in the reception ground. As soon as they take their seats, the ceremony begins.
Every body including the newly married dance, eat, drink, money is sprayed on them like water. At the climax of it all they are given gifts of all kind by friends, family members and well-wishers. And at a point in time they leave the venue. And that is the end of the show. The marriage has been performed.
7. MOVING TO THE HUSBAND’S HOUSE
At the end of the ceremony, the woman does not just follow the husband home. The husband leaves her behind. That night at the girl’s home, a parting ceremony is performed. The father, mother, brother and sisters advices her and prays again for her successful marriage.
In the evening of the next day, she is escorted by the women in her family to her husband father’s house with the gifts, her suitcase, and other materials given to her by the mother and other members of the family.
After arriving the father in-law’s house the women in family of the husband will all troop out to welcome her with a bowl of water to wash her feet. After washing her feet, she then enters the father in-law house with her right leg first, which signifies that she came with happiness and joy.
The women that escorted her then return home after she has entered the father in-laws house. Late in the evening of the same day, the husband comes to carry his wife home. From then on, they can now live as husband and wife and are respected by all in the society.
This is according to the Urhobo tradition in Delta State, Nigeria. The method of movement differs from ethnic groups. In some traditions, she can follow her husband immediately.
CHURCH MARRIAGE
Church marriage was introduced into Nigeria, by the missionaries who came to the country with the colonial master. Those who became Christians were forced by the Church rules, to organize another marriage for their children after the traditional marriage.
This marriage they called Wedding or Holy Matrimony. Even if the parents of the married couple refuse to attend, the Church will organize some members to represent the parents of couple in the Holy Matrimony Ceremony in the Church.
BRIEFLY HOW THE CHURCH MARRIAGE IT IS DONE
To start with unfortunately, the newly married couple is seen by the Church as not having been married before. And they ask “is there any one here present that is against the marriage of this two or has a reason while they should not be wedded together as husband and wife or forever keep your peace?” whereas they have just been married traditionally and pronounced husband and wife by their parents. What do we called this?
Where would there have been opposition? Is it in the Church or when the traditional marriage was to be performed? And if there is an opposition to the Solemnization of the Holy Matrimony, which sometimes does happen, does that cancel the traditional marriage? It does not. In fact after the traditional marriage, the couples have the right to stay together and make family.
If there is no opposition, they couples are asked to where each other a ring after making some Marriage Vows, Swear or take an Oath to leave together. After swearing and wearing each other a ring, the Pastor will now make his pronunciation “By the power bestowed upon me by God, I pronounce you husband and wife”. What about the first pronouncement by the parents of the couples? Was it not in God’s name they made the pronouncement?
After they are pronounced husband and wife by the Pastor presiding, the couples can now kiss each other inside the Church and that is the end of the ceremony. They can now go for another reception where money bags wait to show of their money. At the end of this reception, they can then go home.
One thing the officiating Pastors or Clergies do which surprises me is to find out from the couple, if they have performed the traditional marriage rites. If the answer is no, they are dismissed and asked to go and do that first before coming to the Church. This shows the supremacy of the traditional marriage.
So why should they perform a second marriage? Is it that the traditional marriage was Unholy and not Official and that is why they have to perform the Solemnization of a Holy Matrimony? This question requires an answer.
One would have expected the Pastor to pray for the couples and bless the marriage that has already been performed to show respect to the culture of the people, since the Church marriage cannot be performed except the traditional one has been done, and not to conduct another marriage.
As one cannot marry one woman twice, for me, the Church marriage is not a marriage in the real sense of it because God is not a God of confusion. I see it as a fun and an attempt to trivialize our God given culture. Because what the Pastor is wants to do, the elders have already done it.
Therefore I would like to see a situation where the presiding Pastors calls for Blessed Marriage Ceremony and not another Wedding Ceremony, where they are seen binding the couples a second time. If they must bind the couples as God requires of them, why will they ask the couples to go and do it in the traditional way first? Why not just go ahead and marry them and disregard tradition?
ACCEPTANCE OF THE TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE BY EVERYBODY
The traditional marriage is accepted by all in Nigeria. The Church marriage is not accepted as a real marriage. That is why the Pastors will require would be husband and wife to go and marry traditionally first before coming to the Church.
Therefore the only true way of marrying in Nigeria is the Traditional Marriage. The Church Wedding is alien and does not go down well in the society most especially with the family of the bride.
Parents are always very happy participating in the marriage or giving out their sons and daughters in marriage with their own hands and not somebody else. They are happy doing it themselves and the marriage is always blessed when parents are involved. Marriages that parents are not involved in many cases do not workout well, as they are not supporter of the marriages.
THE ADVANTAGE OF TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE
Everything that has an advantage also has a disadvantage. To be born in a rich home is an advantage. But to be pampered is a disadvantage. Traditional marriage has it own disadvantages but the advantages are more. Below are some of the advantages:
1 One of the profound aspects of traditional marriage is the investigation both parents carryout, on behalf of the two that wants to get married. Once the boy and the girl have introduced each other their parents, the first question they will ask, is who’s daughter or son are you. Once the names of their parents have been mentioned, both parents then carry out a secret investigation of each family. To find out some of the following:
(a) If they are noble and respectful family.
(b) If they have a peculiar family ailment that cannot be over looked.
(c) Do they have marital problems in the family?
(d) What is their nature, are they tale or shot people?
(e) Do they depend on others for their livelihood? Or they are gainfully employed?
(f) Are they educated?
(g) How long do they live in the family? Do they die young?
(h) Is the boy or girl of good character?
(i) Can the boy take care of the girl if he marries her?
(j) Is there any pending case of marriage that is affecting the boy or the girl?
(k) Has the boy or girl jilted any one?
All these and many other issues, both families will secretly find out about each other. At the end of their findings, each family will call their children and tell them their findings. If they is nothing very odd about any of the family, the parents will then allow the marriage to go ahead.
But if there is any blemish found in the family of the girl for example, the family of the boy will call the boy to discuss it and then give the boy reasons why the marriage should not go ahead. The family of the girl will do the same if it is boy that is found wanting or his family.
This is done to project them from impending marital problems in the future.
2. When marriages are performed in the traditional way, both families are in union as the marriage brings them together for ever.
3. They all give support to the marriage financially and otherwise and pray for its success.
4. They families are always ready to intervene in case of trouble. If the issue requires both families to intervene, the couple could be requested to appear before the elders.
5. They cannot refuse to appear before the elders, as refusal is an offence in itself. If the husband or the wife refuses to appear before the elders, people in their village could be told not to have any thing to do with the person for disrespecting elders.
So they are forced by tradition to appear before the elders and with God on both sides, the issues are always been happily resolved and they go back happy.
6. They couples not required by tradition to take an oath or swear. Tradition follows God’s injunction of “do not swear let your ney be ney and your yee be yee”. That is why only questions asked the girl is “do you accept to marry him?” “Should we drink the drink they have brought?” These questions requires a simple yee or nee. It is integrity that is required here. So why swear?
7. The woman bows down to her husband when ever she is making a request or giving him food or something. This gladdens the man’s heart and makes him to love the wife.
8. You look down when you want to talk to your husband, a sign of respect which the man is happy with.
9. Once married, it is forever you cannot go back to your parent’s home.
THE DISADVANTAGE OF TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE
Rather than call this a direct disadvantage in the traditional marriage, I will want to see it as an issue of the culture due it is associated with marriage.
This has to do with:
1. The man not apologizing to the wife when he is wrong
2. The woman always been found guilty when ever marital matters are brought before the family.
3. The woman has no say as regard discussions that affect the family.
4. When the children are bad, the woman is blamed. But if they are good, the man takes the praise.
5. The woman cannot go out and come home late but the man can.
6. When the husband or any of the children dies, the woman is held responsible. She is meant to pass through a lot of psychological and sometime physical torture. But when the woman dies, she killed herself and the husband gets sympathy. This is not right. And I am in the frontline in my area preaching against it.
7. If a husband dies and the woman happens to have no child in the marriage, the women may end up not having any thing of her husband property. This is not right too. And is part of what I am preaching against it in my area.
THE DISADVANTAGE/PROBLEMS CAUSED BY CHURCH MARRIAGE
The Church would have done marriage blessing and not wedding which is done to spite the tradition of the people. Below are some of the disadvantages and problems:
1. The Church does not concern it self with finding out inherent problems in the family the boy or girl comes from that could cause a problem in the marriage in the future. Instead, when two people want to marry, they are asked to enroll in the Marriage Class, where they attend marriage counseling.
All the Pastors believe in is prayers. Even if both parties are sickle cell carries, there is no problem. They can marry because with God all things are possible they will not produce a sickler.
2. They have been cases where the Pastor of a Church, will tell his member doing a traditional marriage not to drink the marriage prayer drink because it is unclean or fetish. And some of couples to be will actually declare to the elders that they will not drink.
Where is the marriage if that part of the ceremony will be refused by the couple to be? This is a beginning of a problem because a soon as there is a marital problem, the family will not show concern.
3. Pastors forbid woman bowing down to their husbands. They say it is only to God you can bow.
4. Women who wed in the Church look directly into the eyes their husbands with no fear, like the white people do. This is because they have been told by the Pastors, not to fear any one apart from God.
All this don’ts, brings disrespect to the family and the man begins to hate instead of loving his wife.
When marital problems start, the women run to the Pastor for help. And in many cases, the Pastor cannot help, since some of the issues bother on the culture which they have been asked to forsake.
5. One of the notable disadvantages of marrying in the Church, is the inability of the Pastor of the Church to have total control over couples in times of trouble.
They have been cases when couples in the Church have serious marital problems and the Pastor in-charge cannot get the attention of the husband. That is he refuses respond to the call of the Pastor and the Pastor cannot do anything.
If the Pastor threatens the man for example, he may decide to leave the Church for another, or stop going to Church. So where is the help of the Church? All they can do is only praying that the man changes his mind. But as against tradition, he cannot refuse the call of the family call or he will face the consequences.
6 Many women prefer spending time attending to the Pastor and Church activities instead of their husbands at home. With too much neglect, the man starts looking out. With no time a lady becomes pregnant for him outside. And the Pastor starts blaming the man instead of the wife.
7. The women see the ring, the marriage video tape, the vow or the swear, Church activities as marriage. Women stay in the Church all day and forget to go home and cook for the family. And when the man query, the answer will be can’t you cook? Don’t you see I went to serve God?
CONCLUSION
Many marriages are broken daily because the tradition of the people is being spited. We should not trade in our tradition or custom for a foreign one as many troubles await us in the future.
What I am saying is if you are a Nigerian, and you are in Nigeria, do things according to the tradition of your people, or the people you live with.
If you are a Nigerian and you find your self in America and you want to marry there, marry according to the tradition of the American people or the family you are marring from. If you are in Rome, you behave like a Roman they say.
If you have comments to make regarding the issues raised in this article please feel free to respond or contact me at aikosystems@gmail.com
Isaac A. Aikoroje
